GROWING PAINS: LIFE AFTER GRADUATION
Heat pressed hair, neatly tucked under a navy-blue cap, barely secured by bobby pins. The deep thud of the drums, synced to the adrenaline rich pulse that was rhythmically running through my veins. A diploma firmly grasped between my hands. A now paved path ahead. A path that is certain and clear. That is what is advertised, right? Four years of late-night paper submissions and wryly introducing myself as the student from Ma-la-wi and not Maui. Four years of early red-eye, a.m. lectures and being a part of a motley campus community. I was prepared for that. Yet no one described what life would be like once I cleared this challenge I dared to embark on. I was oblivious thinking that finishing a tasking degree would be the summit of my woes; that it would be smooth sailing once my name was inked onto that coveted university paper that supposedly granted the holder the qualifications needed to kick start their career. After graduating with a bachelor’s degree in Environmental Science and Sustainability, I experienced a low that I did not expect. Masking my feelings and ignoring parts of me that could not comprehend why I was struggling after this accomplishment, forced me into episodes of self-doubt and unfulfillment. Navigating through this phase has been and continues to be revelation of how our meticulously created plans can unpredictably be altered. Through sharing my experience, the harsh realities of growing up are highlighted.
As an international student, the joy and excitement that comes with achieving something as memorable as graduating, can be stolen from you. Prior to graduation, I was overburdened with the responsibilities of making sure I would be able to legally stay in the US after completing my degree- which meant trying to find a job related to my field of study, before I was given the receipt of my completed degree. It sounded easier when my international advisor explained the protocol and timeframes at hand, but it proved to be a disheartening experience. The details of how the US immigration grants work authorization is complex and can be exhausting to soldier through. Attending a university that boasts to advocate for its international students, I was confident that this process would have been one that was seamless, which is what I had planned for. Submitting applications, sending in documents… opening rejection letters from both the immigration office and companies I wanted to work for… it was brutal. Knowing the days in a place you’ve made home are not guaranteed is scary and disrupts the comfort you have created. Being a foreign student adds this extra layer of tension once you graduate. You are always in a position where you must think four, five steps ahead, constantly crafting backup plans for existing backup plans. The thought about moving home (or as the international office puts it “mandatory departure”) this early crushed my spirits. I had put in great amounts of effort to embrace this place, finding ways to adapt and make it feel less foreign, thinking I would be here for a longer time…and now I was facing the possibility of a “mandatory departure”, one of many other hurdles I was soon to face.
I gladly consumed this idea that I would be a desirable asset to any eco-related firm once I graduated. I believed this when I submitted the first few job applications, I did. Your ego is inflated when you not only finish your program, but finish it on the Dean’s List, with letters of recommendation to support the hard work you’ve injected into your studies. As quickly as it inflated, feelings of being inadequate sunk and burst my ego when all the companies I applied to rejected my interest to be a part of their team, with little or no explanation as to why I was not suitable for the position. I carried so much confidence before each interview, but constant email replies stating how a better candidate had been selected, transformed my confidence to mere apprehension. Imposter syndrome it was. So much rejection made it difficult to accept my accomplishment. I questioned how I could have graduated if no one believes I am capable of undertaking the entry-level roles outlined in each job description. I believed my talent and worthiness as someone who endured their academic program was fraudulent, seeing that I was not being hired. Maybe it was because I was an international student, which often frightens the human resource department as it means going through complicated immigration policies and regulations. Maybe it was because the economy during this pandemic has forced the demand for positions in this field to plummet. Or maybe it was just because I was not good enough.
Graduating during a pandemic only heightened the anxiety and terror of closing this chapter in my life. I always imagined my parents and siblings cheering me on as I walked across the stage in my cap and gown. COVID travel restrictions altered the graduation ceremony I had anticipated. Tears rolled down my face as I crossed the podium, not because my name was mispronounced by the dean, but because I was carrying cardboard faces of my family who couldn’t witness this remarkable moment. I was crying because the people who gave me this opportunity were watching their daughter graduate from behind a computer screen. I was crying because my dad, who was so eager to embarrass his daughter and obnoxiously shout her name, was only able to whisper his congratulatory speech through my Airpods. I am grateful for my aunts, uncle and best friends who travelled to ensure that my graduation day was filled with laughter and smiles, but I can’t ignore how tethered my heart was that my mom, dad and siblings could not enjoy this achievement with me. I continued to be extremely homesick weeks after my graduation ceremony. I spent time in people’s loving homes, wishing I could have a meal cooked by my mom or scold my sister’s for wearing my clothes.
After graduating, I was still left feeling unaccomplished, which sounds absurd as I had just invested four years of my life studying. Just weeks after graduation, having checked off this significant goal, I was lost. I had put so much emphasis on finishing my bachelor’s degree, that I didn’t know what else I could do. I had been a student for most of my life that it was what I was used to. My study routine was engraved in my lifestyle; Complaining about writing lab reports, relating to student procrastination memes, sleeping behind my books in the library… that was what I had known for a chunk of my life. It was boredom for the most part, but I lacked the enthusiasm I once had when I was a student; the enthusiasm that drove me to new places or to cook a nutritious meal. I centered my life around being a student, efficiently curating my schedule to fit these activities with my studies, yet now, with more disposable time before me, I couldn’t have been bothered to use it.
As a result of these feelings harboring in my space, I struggled socially, emotionally and creatively. Most of my friends were continuing with their studies or started working. Many of my peers, also international students, were able to secure their OPT and find companies willing to adopt an international hire. It looked like they all had a plan they were working towards when all I had was a flimsy, unsolidified outline. It was difficult for me to express my feelings to people who cared about me, because I didn’t think the reasoning behind my feelings was valid. “Why are you unhappy? You just graduated right?” or “OMG, you graduated?! You must be so relieved and carefree now”, were just some of the responses I created in my head that discouraged me from sharing my experience. I didn’t think my worries would be relatable nor did I think my frustration would be taken seriously. I masked most of it with a brave face, which I now realized amplified the magnitude of my meltdown. I am one to soldier on, rarely asking for help. This is not to say others are uncapable of helping, I often feel asking for help is inconveniencing others. Being so engrossed in my worry, I could not find the urgency to pick up my camera, a pen or a paintbrush. I blocked off the outlets that I knew re-centered me. I convinced myself that time spent creating anything other than a clean resume would be time wasted. There was so much mess in my life that I did not preserve the part of myself that allowed me to reimagine and release.
As much discomfort and worry this rollercoaster of post-grad life has been, I have had some of my best moments during this period. I have found the inspiration to continue building my website, using it as an additional platform to inspire others. More free time allowed me to travel to new states and countries with friends, where I made lasting bonds and memories that I hold close to me. I have explored more creative avenues, igniting the beginning of projects I soon will share. Reconnecting with loved ones, offering my time as they exchange theirs, has opened my heart to understanding how gifted I am. No matter what I am faced with, I have the luxury of relying on the spirits of others who want to see me excel. I had a framework that was my friends and family to reassure me that I was headed in the right direction, even if I did not see it myself. It was these slivers of positivity that I needed to keep going… to keep sending in my cover letters and resume… to keep hounding the immigration office to grant my OPT.
This period has been awkward and has revealed several truths about this life. The first being that as much as we think we are independent and in control of our unique journeys, there will be times where unfavorable conditions will be met; where we have little to no power over the situations. This is not equivalent to allowing these challenges to determine your future, but rather urging you to proactively find alternative ways to achieve what you want, given your circumstances. I have realized that having a reliable, solid support system, where I can reach out for assistance when the load of whatever I am going through seems overbearing, will most likely change my outlook, making the world look less grim. Asking for help does not diminish one’s independency, but rather equips you with the strength you need to push forward. I learned having seasons of rest are just as necessary as seasons of hard work. Self-reflection, gratitude and self-recognition when we are still, reveals just how capable we are at excelling - in all aspects of life. I learned that taking time to pause and celebrate gives you more fuel to continue pursuing our various goals.
I had to remind myself that one of the beauties of being human is we are multitalented beings, masterly able to take on a variety of paths. Graduating college was just one goal of mine; it was not the final destination I had been treating it as. Writing down the other goals I wanted to achieve in all the aspects of my life helped me realign my purpose. Categorizing my targets: financial, social, emotional, spiritual, health, entertainment, creative etc. has given me the visual shove I need on days when I do not know what to do with my time. Looking at a list and seeing what I could work on encourages me to spend days being productive. Being honest with myself, about my feelings and intentions allows me to organize and prioritize my reactions to situations that I am not in control of. We control what we can: studying to get good grades, graduating, sending out resumes. What unravels after we have consciously put in the effort is merely up to others and up to the working universe to decide. Our response to that decision is then back in our control, where we are constantly exchanging that power.
My path is slowly becoming clearer. I am excited to mold my future no matter what circumstances I am in, celebrating each transition and accolade as I do so. I hope anyone chartering new stages in their life, does the same.
Sending so much love,
Cheyenne